All I want for Lent is to give up.
9 years ago
Friday, October 31, 2008
McCain counters Obama infomercial with Dukes of Hazard Rerun
Not to be out done by Barack Obama's infomercial that aired on major networks Tuesday night, John McCain plans to pay for a rerun of the Dukes of Hazard to run on Monday night during prime time just one day before the election. McCain plans to run the one where the Dukes out smart Boss Hog at the end and manage to avoid going to jail - you know the one... At each of the cut scenes where the picture would normally stop and you'd hear a whity comment by Waylon Jennings, you'll hear McCain talk about how he'll pump oil to fuel big gas guzzlers like the General Lee, that he will not raise taxes on farmers like Unca Jesse (miss spelled intentionally), and that he'll support a woman's right to wear short shorts like Daisy Duke.
The last ten minutes of the episode will feature the General Lee in a race with Kit (the black car) at the Hazard County fairgrounds. The race will be heated, involve flaming arrows shot from a bow, and will go through a variety of terrain in the back country of the great state of Georgia. In the end Bo Duke driving the General will snooker Kit by finding a short cut to win the race. At the end of the episode Daisy, Unca Jesse, Bo, and Luke will all hug, twirl Daisy around in the air, and celebrate their big win. Then, reportedly, McCain will walk into the scene and say, "My friends, Kit may be the younger, city slicker looking car but it doesn't have the proven experience of the General Lee." McCain then will jump through the window of the General and do a tire blowing burn out while yelling out the window, "If you vote for that one, he won't pump the oil we need. Drive your big SUV to the polls tomorrow and vote for me. I'm John McCain and I approve this message - Yeee ha," as the smoke billows from the back of the General until McCain disappears into the horizon.
TGIF
Big John Stud is at it again. PGA Tour golfer John Daly was taking into custody Sunday morning after he was found drunk outside a Winston-Salem area Hooters restaurant, according to the Associated Press.
Police said in a statement Wednesday that officers arrived on scene for a medical call. When they go to the restaurant, Daly was being treated by emergency workers after losing consciousness. According to the report, Daly “appeared extremely intoxicated and uncooperative.” The report also said Daly repeatedly refused to be taken to the hospital and he was also asked to leave several times by Hooters employees.
Daly was subsequently taken to the Forsyth County Law Enforcement Center drunk tank for a 24-hour stay, until he was sober.
First, the AP report is not entirely accurate. Daly wasn’t found “drunk outside a Winston-Salem area Hooters.” He was (to more accurately describe it) found "passed out in front of a Winston-Salem area Hooters." Anyone who has ever had a dozen beers, a half-dozen Jag Bombs, and a steamy plate full of Hooters hot wings knows the difference. And it’s a big difference. You see, in the former you can get disorderly, which it sounds as though Big John was at some point, that point being before he reached the latter. In the latter, better known as “blacking out,” Daly was sleeping peacefully, thankfully not choking on his own vomit. Big difference.
Looking at Daly’s mug shot, it’s certainly going to take longer than 24-hours for him to "sober up." In fact, they might as well start pumping him full of Advil and water, and they better restock the bloody Mary bar. It’s gotten so sad for the PGA pro that even David Hasselhoff said, “What an embarrassing display. I hope that guy gets better.” Keep in mind Hasselhoff had coitus with a cheeseburger in front of his 12-year-daughter – all of which was produced for YouTube viewing.
Police said in a statement Wednesday that officers arrived on scene for a medical call. When they go to the restaurant, Daly was being treated by emergency workers after losing consciousness. According to the report, Daly “appeared extremely intoxicated and uncooperative.” The report also said Daly repeatedly refused to be taken to the hospital and he was also asked to leave several times by Hooters employees.
Daly was subsequently taken to the Forsyth County Law Enforcement Center drunk tank for a 24-hour stay, until he was sober.
First, the AP report is not entirely accurate. Daly wasn’t found “drunk outside a Winston-Salem area Hooters.” He was (to more accurately describe it) found "passed out in front of a Winston-Salem area Hooters." Anyone who has ever had a dozen beers, a half-dozen Jag Bombs, and a steamy plate full of Hooters hot wings knows the difference. And it’s a big difference. You see, in the former you can get disorderly, which it sounds as though Big John was at some point, that point being before he reached the latter. In the latter, better known as “blacking out,” Daly was sleeping peacefully, thankfully not choking on his own vomit. Big difference.
Looking at Daly’s mug shot, it’s certainly going to take longer than 24-hours for him to "sober up." In fact, they might as well start pumping him full of Advil and water, and they better restock the bloody Mary bar. It’s gotten so sad for the PGA pro that even David Hasselhoff said, “What an embarrassing display. I hope that guy gets better.” Keep in mind Hasselhoff had coitus with a cheeseburger in front of his 12-year-daughter – all of which was produced for YouTube viewing.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
When the going gets tough, the tough … sue?
Incumbent senator Norm Coleman’s campaign is suing democratic candidate Al Franken’s campaign for violating state campaign law, charging that recent Franken TV and radio ads contain lies about Coleman, according to the Startribune.com.Contain lies? Really? The audacity of Al Franken.
Listen, being accused of lying on the campaign trail is akin to being accused of using steroids in Major League Baseball. Hell, it’s a right of passage, a badge of honor. It’s like banging a really hot chick and telling everyone you banged a really hot chick, though all you really did is beat off to a picture of a really hot chick. Those are superfluous details, right? Basically running an efficient campaign is like pretending it’s April’s Fool Day – everyday. You, Norm Coleman, out of anyone should already know this. Shame on you, Norm Coleman … shame on you.
Don’t they embalm you after you're dead?
OUR GREAT COUNTY, ALASKA – On Thursday, Republicans finally received the boost they needed to practically ensure victory on Election Day when Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry spoke up on behalf of Republican candidate John McCain. "We pretty much stay out of it, but seeing so many people come out for Obama, I just felt like 'What the hell, I might as well raise my hand for this side,'" Perry told the Boston Herald.
Unfortunately for the McCain camp, getting an endorsement from Perry is like Jesus Christ himself getting an endorsement from the devil. McCain, who was on the other side of 50-years-old when Aerosmith hit the charts with “Dream On,” combed through the 8-track tape collection in his Chevrolet El Camino searching for an Aerosmith cassette on Wednesday after hearing the news of his latest endorsement. Regretfully, the only cassettes to be found were The Big Bopper, Buddy Holly & The Crickets and Booker T & The MG’s.
“Buddy Holly & The Crickets,” McCain said, squeezing his eye like Poppey and chucking to himself, “now there’s a band that should play at the inaugural ball in January after Sarah Palin and I win the Presidential nomination.”
Palin, who was attending a hockey game in her home state of Alaska, commented on her boss’s gaffe. “The Maverick, unfortunately, had just waked from his afternoon nap and hadn’t had his Alzheimer’s medication when he was asked about Mr. Joe Perry’s endorsement, which we greatly appreciate and think will help bring out a key demographic that we hadn’t counted on for votes: the 40- to 60-year-old stoner vote. Or at least that’s what my wonderful husband, Todd, told me after he got back from a bar-hopping trip on his snow machine.”
To fully complete the circle, the McCain camp is still awaiting its last prized endorsement from … Keith Richards.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Top Ten reasons why "Bedrest" aka "Workrest" doesn't suck
10. You get a free laptop and broadband wireless card from your employer
9. Pajamas 24 - 7
8. Your ass grows a leather couch
7. Bitch and moan all you want - it's the hormones
6. Unlimited requests can be made for someone else to run to the store
5. Your commute time to work is decreased by 99.9%
4. Full control of the clicker - no more ESPN
3. The Execubitch privelege option can be envoked at anytime, for any reason
2. You're well rested for the next non-work related function
1. It's the ultimate "working from home" experience
Christian Out Reach Services
The work they do in the community is really amazing.
http://www.vulomedia.com/images/27424vagrepair.jpg
http://www.vulomedia.com/images/27424vagrepair.jpg
Spring training cancelled to finish World Series
Does anyone else see the stupidity in playing 99% of your sports' games in hot summer weather and then playing the championship games in rain and sleeting conditions? A 2010 Cubs/Twins World Series wouldn't get finished until Mid-May the following year. If Al Gore is right (and only a fool would believe otherwise) MLB should shorten the regular season to end on Sept. 1 and play the World Series in a neutral site that today we call, "the North Pole". In a couple of years, it should be a perfect baseball weather up there. Plus, the addition of Polar Bear burgers and baby seal nuggets would be a welcome change from the typical ballpark food.
Get you tickets in advance at aninconvientworldseries.com.
Get you tickets in advance at aninconvientworldseries.com.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thank you Jimmy and local law enforcement
I would like to thank the Woodbury Police Dept, the Washington County Sheriffs Dept, and the St Paul Police Dept for the outstanding effort they put forth to locate Dave the painter and safely return him to the Twiggyandthediesel blog. I was having nightmares of a Jennifer Hudson's nephew scenario playing out but thankfully Dave the painter was quickly located and safely returned to the blogging community.
They searched utilizing all of the tools available to them. They searched by air, by boat, they had every police cruiser looking for the red Durango with tenticles , they used retarded kids to staple pictures of Dave to all of the power polls, they had volunteers linked hand and hand combing the farm fields of east Woodbury. Thankfully, Jimmy was watching TV at O'Malleys when the Amber alert was posted on the bottom of the screen. Jimmy quickly contacted law enforcement officials to let them know he had located Dave the painter at O'Malley's, and he was safely snuggled into bar stool having a double jack-coke.
The Diesel is finally worthy
Sorry for the delay. I wasn't abducted, I just wasn't invited.
With the most important election of our time just a week away, there is a group of people who need to have their citizenship revoked- undecided voters. If you are undecided at this point, it would be more patriotic to not vote at all on Nov. 4th. The two candidates have very different views on how to run this country and have established that over the last year or so. Maybe these yahoos get off on the attention the media gives them. Maybe they like going into a room during the debates like a group of 3rd graders and pushing a lever up when a candidate makes them feel happy and pushing it down when they feel sad. No matter what the reason, if they haven't made a decision by now, they are either uninformed or unintelligent and should sit this one out.
With the most important election of our time just a week away, there is a group of people who need to have their citizenship revoked- undecided voters. If you are undecided at this point, it would be more patriotic to not vote at all on Nov. 4th. The two candidates have very different views on how to run this country and have established that over the last year or so. Maybe these yahoos get off on the attention the media gives them. Maybe they like going into a room during the debates like a group of 3rd graders and pushing a lever up when a candidate makes them feel happy and pushing it down when they feel sad. No matter what the reason, if they haven't made a decision by now, they are either uninformed or unintelligent and should sit this one out.
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Hierarchy of the Food chain
A number of weeks ago I noticed my Asian neighbor that lives behind me was raising pigeons and doves. I thought this was a little odd, but upon thinking about it further I thought to each their own. Who am I to think someone else is weird? After all, people may think I am weird for having two unruly dogs.
Today the same neighbor came over and pounded on the door until I answered - I mean pounded... I make it a habit to not answer the door during election season because it is usually some douche bag wanting to talk me into believing their politics. When I opened the door it was my little Asian neighbor. He was in a panic like a mother that had lost her three year old at the mall. He was talking so fast and with such panic It took a little bit for me to understand what was wrong.
As it turns out Mr. Ly was out training his pigeons to return (think boomerang) after a little flight around theneighborhood when a Hawk came out of no where and attempted to assassinate one of the pigeons. In a moment of greatness the pigeon, in the midst of a dire situation, dove quickly to the ground and landed in my backyard. Then as a last ditch effort to save it's own life it ran under my deck. Apparently Hawks do not go under decks? You learn something new everyday? When I fully understood the magnitude of the near tragic events I quickly gave Mr. Ly permission to enter my yard in an attempt to retrieve his pet pigeon. I watched him attempt to retrieve his physically and psychologically damaged pet with a fish net and long stick for about 10 minutes. It was as entertaining as the last time I went to the circus. Mr. Ly eventually retrieved his pet and I could see that there was some damage to the pigeons wing with a small trickle of blood emerging from the body.
As he was leaving he thanked me again for letting him get the pigeon. He loaded up the pigeon in his Scion station wagon and drove it home. All afternoon I couldn't help but wonder what he would do once the pigeon was back home. Do you take a pigeon to the veterinarian? Did he tape a Popsicle stick to its wing and put a band aid on the wound? Does anyone know what the care protocol is for a physically and psychologically damaged pet pigeon?
Today the same neighbor came over and pounded on the door until I answered - I mean pounded... I make it a habit to not answer the door during election season because it is usually some douche bag wanting to talk me into believing their politics. When I opened the door it was my little Asian neighbor. He was in a panic like a mother that had lost her three year old at the mall. He was talking so fast and with such panic It took a little bit for me to understand what was wrong.
As it turns out Mr. Ly was out training his pigeons to return (think boomerang) after a little flight around theneighborhood when a Hawk came out of no where and attempted to assassinate one of the pigeons. In a moment of greatness the pigeon, in the midst of a dire situation, dove quickly to the ground and landed in my backyard. Then as a last ditch effort to save it's own life it ran under my deck. Apparently Hawks do not go under decks? You learn something new everyday? When I fully understood the magnitude of the near tragic events I quickly gave Mr. Ly permission to enter my yard in an attempt to retrieve his pet pigeon. I watched him attempt to retrieve his physically and psychologically damaged pet with a fish net and long stick for about 10 minutes. It was as entertaining as the last time I went to the circus. Mr. Ly eventually retrieved his pet and I could see that there was some damage to the pigeons wing with a small trickle of blood emerging from the body.
As he was leaving he thanked me again for letting him get the pigeon. He loaded up the pigeon in his Scion station wagon and drove it home. All afternoon I couldn't help but wonder what he would do once the pigeon was back home. Do you take a pigeon to the veterinarian? Did he tape a Popsicle stick to its wing and put a band aid on the wound? Does anyone know what the care protocol is for a physically and psychologically damaged pet pigeon?
Amber Alert
In case anyone is worried about the diesel, I've officially put out an Amber alert on him. He's either not paid his broadband wireless bill or he's six figures into the local book.
Celeb Rehab - VH1
Is anyone watching Celebrity Rehab on VHI? Steven Adler shows a stark resemblance to Maggy on an all day bender.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHC2eE7M6io
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHC2eE7M6io
Friday, October 24, 2008
Let's try that again: Redistribution of wealth
Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.
Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence.
When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to
him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.
I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.
At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.
I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.
Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence.
When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to
him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.
I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.
At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.
I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.
Redistribution of wealth
Why would I work hard for someone else to not work hard? Am I missing something on this one? I just don't understand this way of thinking. For me it goes all the way back to the story we all hear in elementary school about the squirrel that procrastinated and didn't hide enough nuts to make it through the winter. Then wanted the other squirrels that worked hard to bury nuts to share with him.
Al Qaeda may have dave the painter
I still haven't heard from Dave the painter. This is the best lead I have. Please help if you have any information...
http://adsoftheworld.com/media/print/bild_kidnapped
http://adsoftheworld.com/media/print/bild_kidnapped
Has anyone heard from the diesel?
I'm officially not posting anything new (only comments) until the diesel gets involved. Sure he's locked down right now rubbing the bunyan's for Katie but come on, throw us a bone here. This blog was started in order to get witty comments and sports lines from the diesel.
I've put out an amber alert for him. Let's hope the windowless van is located.
I've put out an amber alert for him. Let's hope the windowless van is located.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Joe the Plumber
How did "Joe the plumber - fka Joe six pack" get catapulted to fame in a presidential debate by some jerk off asking a stupid question about owning a plumbing business? If you watch the actual exchange between Obama and "Joe the plumber," Obama didn't even really take him seriously. However, McCain simply couldn't get enough of "Joe the plumber" when it came time to talk "turkey" about their differences in tax policy. McCain suggested that "Joe" would be worse off as a business owner under Obama's tax plan.
As it turns out, upon further investigation, "Joe the plumber" wasn't even a licensed plumber in the county he lives in. He also owes back taxes and there was no way he was ever going to buy the plumbing business anyway...
Joe Worzelbacher, aka Joe the plumber, was characterized by Joe Biden as a false idol of the Republican party. Well, I guess Biden was probably right because this "tool (likely a pipe wrench)" didn't even make close to the $250k, so why was he so concerned about people making over 250k paying higher taxes anyway? Joe Worzelbacher - what a female personal hygiene product...
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20081016.wjoe1016/BNStory/International
My favorite quote from the attached link is: “Vote Joe the Plumber ‘08. No More Drips in the White House.”
November 4 can't come soon enough for Twiggy.
As it turns out, upon further investigation, "Joe the plumber" wasn't even a licensed plumber in the county he lives in. He also owes back taxes and there was no way he was ever going to buy the plumbing business anyway...
Joe Worzelbacher, aka Joe the plumber, was characterized by Joe Biden as a false idol of the Republican party. Well, I guess Biden was probably right because this "tool (likely a pipe wrench)" didn't even make close to the $250k, so why was he so concerned about people making over 250k paying higher taxes anyway? Joe Worzelbacher - what a female personal hygiene product...
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20081016.wjoe1016/BNStory/International
My favorite quote from the attached link is: “Vote Joe the Plumber ‘08. No More Drips in the White House.”
November 4 can't come soon enough for Twiggy.
